Why Christian Women Can't Make Decisions (And How to Trust Yourself)

Originally aired on the She Speaks Securely podcast (Listen to the full episode on Spotify)

It's been about two years since I've recorded a podcast episode. Life happened—pregnancy, complicated relationship stuff, losing pets, financial stress, navigating what I actually believe versus what I was told to believe. I've made decisions that didn't fit into the "good Christian girl" script. Some worked out, some didn't, but all of them taught me something.

I started with Sex Talks with Truth and Grace because I wanted to give kids (through their parents) consent, agency, and truth. That course is still there, but as I lived through the last few years, I realized the deeper issue wasn't just teaching kids about sex. It was about helping their moms make decisions without paralysis and guilt.

So that's what I do now.

I still follow Jesus. I still cuss sometimes. I'm still figuring things out. And if that's not your cup of tea, that's fine—there are plenty of other coaches out there. But if you're tired of making pro-con lists and never actually deciding, you're in the right place.

The Paradox of Decision-Making

You want to know what's wild?

I can make life-or-death decisions in critical care without hesitation. I can assess a person struggling to breathe and know exactly what to do. I'm educated, equipped, with the right tools around me. I trust myself completely at work.

In my personal life? I couldn't decide if I should go back to school. I couldn't decide if I should leave a church that was draining me. I couldn't decide if I could stay in a marriage that had been the same for four years.

At work, I was confident, capable, trusted.

At home? I felt paralyzed. Constantly second-guessing. Waiting for permission.

I finally realized the problem wasn't that I couldn't make decisions. The problem was that I'd been taught not to trust myself.

When "Submission" Means Abandoning Yourself

I'm from North Carolina. I've wanted to move back since junior high. My ex-husband knew that. He wanted to stay in Alabama. He had no intention of ever leaving.

About a year into our marriage, I applied for a social work program in North Carolina. I got accepted. I was excited. At first, he was on board—we spent a week looking at houses, making plans.

Then he said, "I don't really feel like the Lord is calling us here."

I was livid. I felt betrayed—not just by him, but by God too. This was something I genuinely wanted, and it seemed like everything was going to work out. Then suddenly, it wasn't.

This was the first big "how am I supposed to be submissive?" moment I went through. It didn't feel great.

I'm still in Alabama. He never left. He probably won't.

I gave up my dream because I was waiting for his approval. Because I didn't trust myself to make that decision on my own.

The same thing happened with church. We were in leadership, serving, and I felt released to go—legitimately, in my soul. It wasn't helpful to me anymore. I didn't feel connected. I was serving more than I was being fed.

That was really hard because I felt depleted, unseen, unheard. For me, those are trauma responses.

But I couldn't just change churches without him. Just like I couldn't move without him. We were a unit. Good Christian wives don't just decide things like that on their own.

So I stayed longer than I should have because I didn't trust my own discernment.

The Trip That Changed Everything

Year five of marriage, I went on a trip with my friend Kelsey to a farm in Florida. We spent two days watching movies, laughing, petting animals, going on walks. The trip was four hours away, so on the drive there and back, my brain was working through what I was feeling and seeing in my marriage.

I figured out on that trip that I wasn't happy. I didn't feel seen or heard, which meant I didn't feel important to him. We weren't living the same life—or even wanting the same life.

He was such a homebody, didn't want to do anything other than what he wanted. I was trying to expand, grow, learn, do.

I called him on the way home and told him what I had figured out.

That's when all the "I'll try" stuff started. (We'll talk more about that next week.)

Here's what I realized: I had been stuck in the same problems for literal years, and I didn't trust myself to make a decision about it.

Three years later (year eight of marriage), we started counseling. The same cycle happened over and over—he'd get my hopes up, I'd believe him, I'd trust him, I'd trust the Lord. I'd expect things to work out. Then he'd cancel last minute on whatever I was trying to get him to do with me.

During that whole time—from when I first brought it up until three years later when we started counseling—I ended up feeling suicidal. I was having panic attacks on the way to work at the cancer center, watching people suffer and die for what felt like no reason (because hospice exists and you can die without suffering).

I could make decisions for dying patients. I could make decisions for how I helped people at work. But I could not make a decision about my own life.

What the Bible Actually Says

Here's what I really want you to know:

It is absolutely possible to trust yourself and the Lord at the same time.

You can lean into discernment, the Holy Spirit, peace. Whatever you're actually feeling peace about in your body is usually the right move. (That's hard to tell sometimes when you've been traumatized and it's hard to feel in your body at all—but that's a different conversation.)

The God of the universe Himself literally put your heart, mind, brain, soul, and spirit in your body for you. Yes, He wants us in relationship and surrender to Him. But He also gave us free will because He actually wants us to choose that for ourselves. That's what makes it meaningful.

Women in the Bible Who Trusted Themselves

Esther said, "If I perish, I perish." She decided that was okay for her.

Abigail directly defied her husband Nabal and saved everybody.

Priscilla corrected Apollo's theology—she corrected a man's theology.

Mary chose to sit and learn instead of serving, and Jesus said she chose the better thing.

Lydia was a business owner who made independent decisions and hosted Paul.

These women trusted God AND themselves. It was not one or the other. They didn't outsource their decision-making. They used discernment, wisdom, the Holy Spirit—and then they chose for themselves.

What Happens When You Trust Yourself

I have a client who struggled with decision-making. One thing she was able to do after our time together was set boundaries about her time with work and time off over Christmas break last year.

She was worried about disappointing her colleagues and patients (she's a physical therapist). She was also worried about not being home enough when her kid was out of school. And her husband didn't really want her to work—that wasn't his preference.

She was already feeling this huge conflict inside herself because of all those things.

It was such a huge deal for her to make those decisions and have those conversations. She decided for herself. She chose: "I'm not going to work. I'm going to take time off and be with my son."

You know what? Nothing blew up. Everything was fine. She kept her job. Her patients understood. Everybody was fine.

That's what can happen when you trust yourself to make a decision.

You Are Allowed

You are allowed to trust yourself.

You are allowed to use the brain, heart, wisdom, and discernment that God gave you.

You're allowed to make decisions without asking everybody else first.

You're allowed to acknowledge that God gave you free will for a reason—because your choosing matters.

Ready to Trust Yourself Again?

If this resonates with you, here's how we can keep going:

Take the free PEACE Assessment to understand your people-pleasing patterns and where you're stuck. It takes 10 minutes and you'll get personalized insights sent straight to your email. Take the assessment here

Book a free Peace Call if you want to work through one specific decision or boundary issue you're facing right now. It's 30 minutes, no pitch, just genuine help. Book your call here

Ready for personalized support? I'm taking on my last 3 clients for 1:1 coaching before baby arrives in January. Pre-maternity rate is $2,500 (saves you $1,500). Applications close November 30th. Apply here